i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
