I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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