I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize
