Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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