I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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