I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
