If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
