i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
