you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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