After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
