I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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