this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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