True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
