I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
