Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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