Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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