Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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