I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
