this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
