remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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