the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
