Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
