Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
