a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
