I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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