I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
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Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
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In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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