it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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