my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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