I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
