Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
