Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Randomize
