i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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