My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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