I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
vagina is talking i cant
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
