Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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