At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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