my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
