i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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