Can i not drive my cunt home
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Alive.
So much puke
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
