Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
