who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
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Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
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Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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