WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
