i would punch a child for taco bell
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
operation have a gay friend backfired
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
