dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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