What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant