I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
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I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.