I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
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I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
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it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.