Someone shit on the floor
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
