is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Everyone says I win the strip club
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
