I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
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