Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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