I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
