Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
