Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
