it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Someone shattered a urinal.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
