Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
