The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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