my soul wont recognize me after tonight
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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