I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize