last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
