On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
